My Uncle The Murderer
by Phantom Quill
Summary: My secret project - why I've been away for so long! Letters between Lucius Malfoy and his favourite neice - Tonks. A sequel to Visiting Hours but works as a stand-alone. A real easy read.
1. 1

MY SECRET PROJECT: A 16 Chapter story all in one go! Mwahahahahahaha!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part One**_  
  
_Dear Nymphadora,_  
_ I'm still not quite sure why you came to visit me in Azkaban last week. I thought you would have guessed why you couldn't curse me by yourself. I'd always thought your mother quite intelligent; clearly it hasn't rubbed off on you. Just in case you'd like to tell your little society of goody-goodys, my release has been scheduled for eight weeks time. (If you'd be so kind as to let Narcissa know, she'll want to know what time the caterers should have dinner ready for me.) As you well know they don't give me very much food here_...  
_ At any rate, I thought you might pass some messages on for me. Firstly to your wolfy friend Lupin: Tell him I'm sorry to have had his "brother" murdered, it wasn't entirely meant to happen. To Mad-Eye Moody: Let him know I'll be hunting him down when I get out of here, and not even his magical eye will see me coming. Also could you tell him Narcissa wants to know how to get rid of that little patch of ferret fur on Draco's back. It's very much an eyesore (or so I'm told). Let Weasley know I'll be back at work before he knows it.  
And as for yourself, dearest niece, don't bother trying to track me down when I get out. I may be going home, but I've had so many protection charms put on the house you'll only confuse yourself trying to get there.  
  
Your forever-hating uncle,  
  
Lucius  
  
p.s. what colour is your hair now?  
_

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Let me know what you think and I'll write some more! :D  



	2. 2

Not really sure where this story is going at the moment but I have a vague idea. Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Two**_  
  
_Dear Lucius,_  
_ Very supportive of you. Eight weeks time? I wish they'd keep you there for good, you deserve it. I told Aunt Narcissa when you'd be home. She said to tell you not to bother coming back at all. And she says: "If I so much as see you again I'll ensure you never have any more children, you idiotic blonde rat." So I don't suppose you'll be getting that catered dinner will you? And if you're going for the sympathy vote with the lack of food it won't work on any of us here either._  
_ I passed on your messages. Remus (who is, by the way, ten times the man you are) says to get stuffed and Mad-Eye says he'll see that enormous head of yours coming a mile away. And he's not going to tell you how to get rid of his little reminder for Draco. I suppose it must be an eyesore. From what you say it doesn't sound as though you've seen it; then again, I can't really imagine you of all people caring that much. Arthur says you'll never get your old job back if he can help it.  
And I wouldn't waste my time tracking you down, unless you really are going to come after us. Remus would also like to know if you've heard from any of the Black family, as he's heard word of the next reunion.  
  
Regards,  
  
Tonks (stop calling me Nymphadora dammit)  
  
p.s. My hair is pink. Why do you care?  
_

* * *

Thanks to reviewers.  
  
Note to Marky - The Lupin explanation comes in the next chapter :D  



	3. 3

I've got a decent idea of how this story will turn out now. Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Three**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ Only seven weeks to go now. I thought I might annoy you with another letter. Narcissa doesn't want me back? Excellent. I have much more important things to do than play the doting husband. If you do happen to speak to your aunt again let her know the "idiotic blonde rat" considers himself divorced. And no, I wont be getting that dinner. At least not from her. Forgive me for stating the obvious regarding the dismal ammount of food here too._  
_ Tell Remus (who is also ten times the wolf I am) to eat Mad-Eye next full-moon. I'm glad he's not telling Narcissa how to get rid of the ferret fur, serves her right for disowning her husband. She hates even looking at it so I hope Draco starts sunbathing more often to annoy her. You're right; I dont care about people that much. As you can well see they don't care about me either.  
Don't make me laugh! Weasley stop me getting back into the Ministry? Thank you Tonks for the highlight of my day.  
I am coming to hunt you rabble down, so I'll see you in seven weeks. And why, might I ask, is Remus attending the next Black family reunion? It's not as though he's even related to any of them! Just because Sirius's mother saw his "potential" (whatever that was supposed to mean)... I mean, how could she have possibly liked him more than me? I'm as malicious as they come, aren't I? You're frightfully honest with me Tonks, let me know if I'm getting less vindictive.   
Come to think of it, even you said he was ten times the man I am. What is the facination with the grey old wolf? Please tell me next time you write.  
  
Constantly Malicious,  
  
Lucius  
  
p.s. I happen to prefer your hair when it's brown, that's all.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my reviwers. Keep reviewing so I know I'm going the right way with this story! :D  
  
Note to Marky Again - Hope the explanation worked out :)  



	4. 4

I've got a decent idea of how this story will turn out now. Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Four**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ Mission accomplished. You can stop annoying me any time now. I'm certain you've got better things to do than live at your lavish mansion and spend money on your family. Doting husband? You? You're making me laugh now Lucius! Excuse me while my sides spilt...   
And I hope they starve you too._  
_ I can assure you Remus wont be eating anybody come the full moon time. And he happens to be a wonderful human being who is kind, sensitive and very humble (sounds like the opposite of a certain someone I know). Perhaps you could learn from him. And just maybe the "grey old wolf" has something you don't...  
Anyway it's not his fault if Sirius's mother took a liking to him. She could see the dark in him... And before you even think anything that is not a good sign... He likes to go though, to see the good side of the family when they feel brave enough to turn up...  
Oh I feel so sorry for you Lucius. Being disowned and not cared about... Poor, poor you... (It's really difficult to write sarcastically on parchment, isn't it?) You're welcome for the highlight of your day but Arthur's really serious about this and he's gotten a lot more credability since the attack on the Ministry.  
I look forward to capturing you again Lucius. Trust me, the guys here wont be as forgiving as I am. Of course you're not getting less vindictive either. If you were I wouldn't keep writing. I like arguing with awkward people, it's like a hobby.  
  
Constantly Annoyed (with you, that is),  
  
Tonks  
  
p.s. Thanks but I prefer not to take advice from guys who have blonde hair right down to their backsides.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my reviwers. Hope you're all still enjoying the story! :D  
  



	5. 5

I've got a decent idea of how this story will turn out now. Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Five**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ I like annoying you and you like arguing with me, so why spoil what works so well?   
Naturally I meant hunting you down as better things to do. And there aren't any Black family reunions, since so many of the darling family are in Azkaban now. Most of them have gone mad so I don't get much conversation out of them. Thank goodness I only have six weeks to go.  
"And I hope they starve you too." - Thanks for that, oh favourite niece of mine..._  
_ It's a shame Lupin wont be eating anyone this month.... Wonderful human being? Kind? Sensitive? Humble? You've clearly never duelled him. He's relentless, ruthless and downright cruel (sounds oddly familiar). I'm sure I could learn from him; if I wanted to become a professional idiot. To quote you: "And just maybe the "grey old wolf" has something you don't..." I'd like to know exactly what he has that I dont. According to the Hogwarts girls of my year I was absolutely perfect.  
I'm terribly sorry that you can't sympathize with me. When you get married (if anyone would marry a half-blood in this day and age) and your husband leaves you (which he undoubtedly will) don't expect me to feel sorry for you.  
  
You wont catch me,  
  
Lucius  
  
p.s. Don't bother writing back again.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my reviwers. Taken a bit of a dark twist but this is going to get lighter again next chapter! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	6. 6

I've got a decent idea of how this story will turn out now. Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Six**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ I couldn't tell whether you were being serious or not...  
If you weren't then I wouldn't bother reading the letter, it'll only make you laugh at me even more than you obviously do already.  
But if by some twist of fate you were being serious then I apologize for being a bit cruel.  
_ _ Having said that, you really did hurt me Lucius. I mean I know you're vindictive but that really hit the spot. I'm writing back to tell you never to even speak to me again.  
And if you do come back here I'll curse you myself.  
  
Just you say I wont...  
  
  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my reviwers. Taken a bit of a dark twist again but it's going to get lighter again soon! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	7. 7

I've got a decent idea of how this story will turn out now. Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Seven**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ You just have to have the last word in an argument don't you?__ Write back to me again. Go on, I dare you. Prove me right.  
Five weeks to go Tonks. I'll come and see you then... And I'll bring you a present.  
  
Looking forward to it?  
  
Lucius.  
  
p.s. I'm sorry too.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviwers! Sentimental Lucius doesn't work very well so this is about as heartfelt as he gets, ok? :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	8. 8

Halfway through the story now. Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Eight**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ Fine. You're right. I do want the last word in this argument. But that is not why I'm still writing. I wanted to ask you just who thought you were perfect. I mean, were they blind or just plain stupid? Okay, okay. I know that was low but I think you really do deserve it right now. And I'm not joking one bit so don't even think about laughing.__  
Five weeks until you supposedly come and hunt me down? I'm so looking forward to it.  
Remind me, why can't I defeat you?  
  
Tonks  
  
p.s. Thanks.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviwers! Mean Tonks! AAAAAAAH! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	9. 9

Halfway through the story now. Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Nine**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ Yes, yes I deserved all the scorn in the world. I'm sure you have better things to do than remind me of that so why don't you stop doing it? And no, the girls who thought I was perfect were neither blind nor stupid, just infatuated with me, the poor things... Ah well, happier days I suppose.__  
Four damn weeks and I'll be coming for your dear friends. I trust you've given them as dire a warning as you can. Because I'm not leaving one of them alive (Dark Lord's orders).  
And, as I've already told you, you can't defeat me because you like me. You just don't have the heart...  
  
Lucius  
  
p.s. You're welcome.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviwers! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	10. 10

Getting closer to the end of the story now. Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Ten**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ I'm too tired of your boasting and malicious temper to even annoy you at the moment. And, since I feel like being honest with you for a change, I can easily see why they thought you were perfect. Though I'm not quite sure why they would dote on you, given your arrogance, malice, temper, viciousness etc. etc. Even I can stand you and I'm used to being surrounded by idiots...__  
The way you speak about your orders it sounds like my friends are going to get it and I'm not. Be clearer please! I was under the impression you were set to destroy everyone in the Order at some point last week.  
You're right though, as always. I don't have the heart to curse you.  
Fortunately Remus does,  
Tonks  
  
p.s. I wouldn't read too much into this letter if I were you.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	11. 11

Getting closer to the end of the story now! Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Eleven**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ Tired? Surrounded by idiots? Sounds like trouble in paradise to me. Thanks for the compliments... I think. I'm not sure whether that was a strange compliment or a gentle insult so forgive me if I've gotten it wrong.__  
Alright. I was going to destroy you at some point. But I've decided not to. For a start you're too clumsy to be dangerous and far too caring to hurt anyone anyway. That's your downfall Tonks. It pains me to say it but you're just too nice to people. I'd get over it if I were you. I mean, it's not like anyone even notices. Except me, of course, and I'm thousands of miles away.  
There we go again with the name dropping. Remus again eh? Honestly the man flashes a nice smile and he's a saint in your eyes.  
Three weeks,  
Lucius  
  
p.s. Ok.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	12. 12

Getting closer to the end of the story now! Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Twelve**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ Alright yes they have been getting on my nerves of late. And as much as I like leaving you confused, it was a compliment, not an insult. __  
Nice to know you're going to spare me but don't think I'm going to let you just march in here and destroy everyone without a fight. Thanks though, you do seem to be the only one who listens to me at the moment. And that is a very sad thing. Oh well...  
Remus doesn't need a nice smile to be a saint. And so what if he does have a nice smile. All you can manage is a smirk or an evil grin.  
I'm so scared,  
Tonks  
  
p.s. I'm serious Lucius. Don't start thinking I like you or anything.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	13. 13

Almost finished! Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Thirteen**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ Well thank you for the compliment then_._  
Forgive me for being slightly concerned about my favourite niece. And I look forward to a good clean fight. From you, at least; I can't promise anything good or clean on my part...  
And what, pray tell, is wrong with my evil grin?  
You should be scared, it's only two weeks to go now,  
Lucius  
  
p.s. I know you like me...  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :D Keep reviewing!  
  



	14. 14

Almost finished! Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Fourteen**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ A thank you from Lucius Malfoy? I'm slightly worried for your sanity, you know.__  
I'm your only niece, so I'm also your least favourite too. And you are not concerned about me at all; you just like intimidating people. Also the words Good and Clean will never ever apply to you. Ever.  
There's nothing wrong with your evil grin. It's actually quite wicked, if you like that sort of thing...  
I'm terrified, I can assure you,  
Tonks  
  
p.s. I do not like you one bit you arrogant blonde rat.  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :D Keep reviewing right to the end now!  
  



	15. 15

Next chapter is the last one! Hope you're still enjoying it! Let me know what you think. Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Fifteen**_  
  
_ Tonks,_  
_ It's nice to know you're worried. But I'd rather you were scared.__  
"Also the words Good and Clean will never ever apply to you. Ever." - Was this a compliment or not? You really annoy me sometimes. I'll have to remember to pay you back for that.  
"It's actually quite wicked, if you like that sort of thing..." - Do you like that sort of thing Tonks? (Just curious)  
Don't mock me. One week to go.   
I might even be out by the time you get this letter...  
Lucius  
  
p.s. I thought you liked rats...  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! :D Keep reviewing right to the end now!  
  



	16. 16

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!**VERY LAST CHAPTER**!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
I really hope you enjoyed the story because I wrote it all in one night and was very tired by the end of it! :D Please rate and review!  
  
Summary: Letters between Tonks and her least-favourite uncle: Lucius Malfoy as he spends some time in Azkaban...  
  
**My Uncle The Murderer**  
_**Part Sixteen**_  
  
_ Lucius,_  
_ I'm not scared of blonde rats.__  
It might have been a compliment; I can't remember what mood I was in when I wrote it.  
NO I DO NOT. Don't start that again and I do NOT like you Lucius. You're my uncle for God's sake... Stop it.  
I will mock you until you get here...   
__I don't like blonde rats. Only brown ones with a bit of grey fur (sorry to annoy you further)..._  
_ Tonks  
  
p.s. I'll have to go now. There's someone rapping at the door. All the others have gone out drinking for the night. God this guy's pretty impatient to get in. I wonder who it is... Ah well, I'll let you know when you get here. If you ever do...  
_

* * *

Thanks to all my wonderful reviewers! Thanks to you for reading my story! I really hoped you've enjoyed it!!!  
  



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